Things You Can Do When You're Unemployed

September 2010
Things You Can Do When You're Unemployed.


1.  Head To Your Workout Class Half-Drunk.
This is really only practical when you live across the street from the YMCA, which I do.  Although I'm pretty sure my instructor, whom I unfortunately idolize, totally figured it out which is why she tried to ignore me the whole class period.  I really really hope this isn't the case.  I would die.  But honestly the time goes by so much faster.


2.  Pay More Attention To Your Spiders.
I mean really.  When was the last time you made sure there were enough soft-bellied insects inhabiting your home for your house spiders to eat?  There's this totally faithful spider, she doesn't even have a name that's how much I've ignored her, who has lived above my kitchen sink in this jumbled, clumsy web for at least four months.  And I have no idea if she's had a decent meal lately.  The gorgeous, fat, graceful orb-weaver outside, Gladys, I put out jars of honey to catch flies for her, I mean she doesn't even need help!  She's outside!  This poor creature in my kitchen is in a closed environment and I haven't done a damn thing to ensure she gets some proper nutrition.  Now, finally, I have the spare neurons to address this.  Just be sure your traps are debilitating but not lethal, as the bugs need to be wriggling when you gingerly foosh them onto your patient arachnid's web.


3.  Perfect Your Dogs' Speaking Voices.
This is great fun, and the higher and squeakier the better.  Your dogs will love it and no one else will find it irritating, I promise.


4.  Have Really Great Conversations With Your Dad.
Dad:  "I talked to Mitch Rosengleurb."
Me:  "That's not his name."
Dad:  "Mitch Rosenwasser?"
Me:  "Yeah that's his name, but that's not what you said."
Dad:  "I know, I burped mid-last-name."


FYI, my Dad recently bought a Garmin.  He uses it to get directions to work and to the grocery store.  FYI, my parents have lived in the same house, and my Dad has had the same job, since 1979.  He says he does it to get his money's worth.  And if anybody uses this to make an awesome Garmin ad I will be really pissed.