For Immediate Release
Richmond, Virginia
While working diligently in the quiet hum of her Innsbrook office last Saturday, 26 year old Molly Payne opened an email that changed her life.
"Thank God someone answered my ad!" Payne told reporters Saturday evening as they clustered around her charming, spacious home, eager to get the first snippet of her big news. Payne was referring to the personals ad she'd recently posted on a popular dating site:
Sexy single gal seeks misogynistic Ivy League prick to elucidate the intricacies of Post-Postmodern seduction.
CoastToCoaster, a self-described erudite New Jersey professor, had seen her ad and written a soulful love sonnet in response:
I didn't bother to read your profile (way too long... try leaving a bit of mystery), but holy crap you're hot.
"As I read his email," Payne explained, "I was turned on right away. I mean, he's saying, 'Wanna fuck?' and 'I don't give a crap about who you are or what you have to say,' all at the same time! Wow. I've been waiting my whole life to hear this."
She went on to describe her revelation. "I realized he was so right.... why settle for only 37 emails a week with the profile I have now when I could be getting at least 42? And all I have to do is put up some nude photos and delete all that garbage about saving turtles and holding hands."
A realization made somewhat moot by the appearance of a man who stands to render all other suitors hopeless. Payne prays this Princeton Charming will overlook her clearly worthless Big 10 Cow College education and rescue her from wordy online dating profiles and otherwise almost certain future of suicidal loneliness.
Wedding plans in Sri Lanka are pending.
No comments:
Post a Comment